You know how you go through life believing you are a certain type of person? “Easy going”, for example, or “a thinker”, or even” free spirited”. Well it has come to my attention that over the last little while that I have become a bit of a control freak. It’s not that I try to force others to behave in a way I want them to, it’s just that if events don’t go my way I get really itchy inside.
I’m tempted to blame it on the accident I was in this past fall where I was hit by a drunk driver because since then the need to steer certain experiences has been amplified. I have to admit even before the accident I had, on occasion, felt the over powering need to control a situation…
or die a horrible death.
To add to the frustration factor they are purely random situations and therefore unpredictable.
For example, I came very close to hovering over the flooring guy as he installed my laminate, just to make sure he was doing the job properly. Not that I’ve ever installed laminate or even watched someone install laminate so it’s not as though I can offer any credible suggestions or recognize if he’s doing something that wasn’t kosher. It took every little bit of self-control not to invade his working space and I’m embarrassed to admit I even drove by the condo several times during the day just to see if the condo was still standing.
Freakish, I know.
Another example: I’ve arrived at a city I’ve never visited before and proceed to tell the taxi driver, someone who’s lived there his entire life, which route to take.
And don’t get me started on the weather. If I’ve planned to drive, oh lets say Jasper, and there’s a downpour, I will check the weather online on television and on the radio every ten minutes just to see if it’s going to be a change any time soon. As if my prying into the weather’s business, nagging “are you going to change yet?” “How ‘bout now?” has some sort of influence over low-pressure systems, cold fronts, and active air masses. Borderline obsessive compulsive warranting medication I know.
But, thankfully the feeling eventually passes, just like the weather it’s temporary and I can float with whatever tide life has thrown my way without the itch factor for a little while. A respite from the compulsion to control until something new comes along, something I’ve never seen or experienced or participated in. Then I’ll try to embrace the hyperventilative feeling without letting it dictate my actions, accepting it as part of my personality,
or at least as part of my genetic make up.